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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my private and work life. It annoys my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that therapy might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or being seen, by admitting perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This approach will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.